Are You Listening?

Hey Lovies! Whatcha' readin'? I have not read anything lately. My mind has been reeling with ideas and self-reflection. I usually only share my poetry and books on this blog, but I realized that my writing is a reflection of me; my emotions, thoughts and feelings. So, going forward, there may be entries here and there that are transparent (to a fault) and that will give you a little insight on who The Healing Wordsmith really is.

Maybe it's because of the season, but whatever the reason, I have been in my head a lot lately; not in a bad way, just unearthing some truths about Jeanene and working to put together some missing pieces of my past that go along way with me understanding myself better.

TRUTH #1...

The title of this entry asks are you listening. At first glance it looks like a question directed to someone else, but it is actually posed to myself. I have always prided myself as a pretty good listener until someone very, very close to me told me different. I was told that I will listen, but jump in and say what I had to say. The irony in being told that was crushing because that is one of my biggest pet peeves...being cut off or not listened to when I am speaking. That hurt me to my core unbeknownst to them. How could I have become that person I did not like? Others know that about me and still I became that person. But the most painful part is that I became that person to the ones I care about the most in this world and I did not even realize it. I had never consciously caught myself doing that so I of course, dismissed it which was just as detrimental.

So, I had to check myself. I have been working my business, The Concierge Queen, LLC in Florida since September. Doing that has afforded me some alone time and the perfect opportunity to quiet my mind and look at Jeanene. I took some time to try and replay some conversations to see where I committed this heinous crime (that is exactly how I see interrupting someone when they are talking) and what the triggers were. I did find the main one when it comes to my loved ones and now I am on a mission to correct it.

I found that when a loved one comes to me to talk, I immediately jump into "protector/fixer" mode. I am listening, but at the same time I'm thinking of what should be done to fix it. At that moment, I am not listening to hear, I am listening to act, to fix, to respond and that is the absolute worst way to listen. I felt like the biggest hypocrite that ever lived! Needless to say I cried, a lot, I prayed and meditated on it for help in that area. Because of this, there has been some fallout so to speak. It has affected relationships and caused me to fall into depression because I hurt the main people I never in life want to hurt.

I am being extremely transparent because this is something that is very important when it comes to self care and self love. You have to look in the mirror of your heart at the person you are. Put yourself under the magnifying glass to see the true you and where the repairs need to be made in order to live in it and find love for your flaws enough to change those that you can. I have been standing in front of that mirror for at least two months now. The woman that stares back at me is not gorgeous. She is covered in flaws, scars and half-healed wounds. But I am determined to love her through this healing process.

Writing about it has helped and is helping me in my healing process. I pray that it will be a blessing to you as well.

Until next time,

Peace and blessings!

ARE YOU LISTENING?

I listened to every word,

In a split second I dissected, analyzed, and concluded that one, single word.

The story continued as I searched for the next one,

My heart says shut up, my mind ignores,

I have to fix it!

I have to protect!

I missed one part,

The most important part…the next word.

Called on it, but not answering on the first ring,

Redial hit and here I am.

The position I prided myself in was not the real me,

Scarred of the same lashing I was giving in unawares.

Forced to look at myself in the mirror,

Unable to recognize the hypocrite.

How cloudy is my heart’s mirror?

Is it streaked with the stains of the past and present making it to dingy to see my future?

Do I see the potential of the person standing only sixteen inches in front of me or am I unrecognizable because of the lies I have told myself?

I looked in that mirror the other day,

As I wiped the film away with my sleeve, the image was still unclear.

Behind me the space so dark it seemed to not exist,

But the silence of it was deafening,

The light hanging above my head flickers with only a little life left.

Silence so thick it is suffocating,

Darkness behind me that is brushing across my shoulders and neck so dense I feel like I am falling into it.

The longer I stare the more unrecognizable I become,

The lines on my brow deep enough to file the thoughts I think of myself,

The rings that have formed around the windows of my heart enhance the red streaks of now dimly lit eyes.

The baggage of the past has been placed on my face as a reminder of my inadequacy,

Never taught how to unpack them with love, prayer, and meditation.

The woman that stares back at me is not gorgeous,

She is covered in flaws.

The primer of an unhealthy, low self-esteem

The foundation of loneliness,

The contour of pain from the past,

The eyeshadow of misunderstanding,

The light blush of self-hate,

The faded lipstick of the lies she told herself to cope,

And the finishing spray that is the mask that covers and sets it all in a façade of happiness.

Covered in flaws, scars, and half-healed wounds,

She continues to stare.

Unconsciously hoping that the image will change,

Unknowing of how to change it.

The darkness now has an odor as it closes in on her thoughts,

The glint of unrealistic hope lies in arms reach,

Sharp, accessible, and magically glistening whenever the dim light flickers.

The reflection in the mirror averts her attention away from her destruction with a thought, "I am loved",

And she begins to clean her face.

The sink is becoming dirty with the all of the things she used to cover her true beauty,

She wipes and wipes, as the light flickers less and the din of the darkness begins to decrease.

The mirror begins to clear with every wipe of the mask she has worn for decades,

The false hope on the counter is now a pen and paper.

She still does not recognize the image in the mirror because of the years of wearing that mask that made everyone comfortable,

The roar of the darkness behind her has receded,

And the strength of the light is steady.

The image in the mirror is becoming clearer and clearer,

And her natural beauty is surfacing,

The make up covered it, but self-love has revealed it.

The din of the darkness is ever present, but not interrupting,

An occasional blare from it as a reminder of the lesson and humility.

The light is bright enough to chase the grip of the darkness away and illuminate the reflection that is growing ever clearer,

I listened,

I just couldn’t hear me.

Jeanene M. Hall-Durham

Jeanene Durham, "The Healing Wordsmith", is an Alaskan native, mother of seven, grandmother, aunt, sister, friend and lover of words. She is the owner of The Concierge Queen LLC, a premier personal and virtual assistance service in Georgia. Jeanene loves to travel, paint ceramics, help other, most importantly, spend time with her family and you guessed it...read.

thehealingwordsmith@outlook.com

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