Silently Screaming

When you go through the pain of bringing life into this world and feed your seed from the bounty of your breast,

You do your best to mold them into the purposed vessel the Most High intended with little or no guidance or knowledge,

The mistakes made knowingly, you pray that time and wisdom will turn around and the lesson will not be repeated,

The ones that were made in ignorance and immaturity you pray while you pay for those later.

The biggest struggle is with the you that didn’t know, the child you, the you that made adult decisions from a child’s perspective,

How do you forgive her for doing what she thought was right without asking you; the now you, the you that has matured and learned a little?

How dare she consider forgiveness for pushing the greatest pain she has ever known down to the depths of her forgetfulness to maintain.

How dare she be forgiven for being a lonely, silent victim,

Unable to vocalize the silent scream that rings in her head on repeat,

Causing toxicity in every relationship she enters until she is left alone, hating the arrogant, ignorant child that chose the path for her life without permission.

How do I forgive the mother that loves her offspring so much she runs them away?

How do I forgive the woman that is on a carousel and loves to the point of pain; around and around, up and down, praying her daughters are not watching?

When does love not hurt?

When will my worth be worth respect?

The labor of childbirth, a mere stomachache in comparison to the ache of a robbed childhood, the disappearance of forgiveness for innocent mistakes and your first love,

The constant querying your conscious reels of if the outcome may have been different if the child chose a different path,

The dreams of how her heart may have been handled if she spoke her truth.

All of that matters not,

The truth is that she is never been afforded the role of the victim,

She is only seen has the warrior with strength only coming from her silence.

The echoes in her mind of the silent screams have turned her into a shell of the woman she dreamed to be,

She has learned to maneuver so that others are at peace,

She silences her emotions to save those of others even when she is accused of the opposite,

She is resolute in the idea that she will perish with those same silent screams to accompany her to the hereafter,

And because she can’t find a way to forgive that child she looks at in the mirror daily,

Her tears have dried up and she will forever be behind the wall she erected as her safe place.

No one will ever know the true magnificence she is because of her fear,

Nor the love that she will carry with her, afraid to share, to her transition.

Jeanene M. Hall-Durham

11-29-21

Until next time,

Peace and blessings!

Jeanene Durham, "The Healing Wordsmith", is an Alaskan native, mother of seven, grandmother, aunt, sister, friend and lover of words. She is the owner of The Concierge Queen LLC, a premier personal and virtual assistance service in Georgia. Jeanene loves to travel, paint ceramics, help other, most importantly, spend time with her family and you guessed it...read.

thehealingwordsmith@outlook.com

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